I guess I'll take my time.

Life is an odd thing. I feel as though so much has changed since last I wrote about and reflected upon life, but it is probable that an objective onlooker would think differently. I suppose this is because I’m the kind of person who lives internally, rather than externally. I very rarely allow my deepest emotions to enter the outside world. They are destined to swirl about inside my head and chest, increasing in pitch, volume and tempo until they reach a climax, before finally fading away with time. On the very odd occasion the climax will be accompanied by an actual and tangible expression of my feelings. Such a thing happened last week. But I think I shall begin with a little bit of the background. Or at least a vague recollection of it, as I prefer to write of these kinds of experiences.

In the past few months I have undergone my first heartbreak. This sounds quite melodramatic, but no less accurate. There it is. The allusions I made and suspicions I expressed a couple of blog entries ago about a particular person being more important to me than I was to them turned out to be true. In the end, I did manage to speak to them about it all (in a fashion), and have my fears confirmed. This was, inevitably, followed by a period of rather intense pain. I’m not going to go into too much detail, but the heart of the matter is this. Believing myself immune to what I have read about, I attempted to form a friendship with the person. And while doing so I allowed myself to continue to entertain imaginings of things returning to what they once were. Of course, all of this fell in a heap when I was forced to realise that they had moved on. Moved on in such a way that emphasised the immense disparity between our views of one another. And thus, helped on by alcohol, I indulged myself with an embarrassingly public outburst of sadness.

So now that I have passed the climax and survived, admittedly with less dignity intact than I had intended, time is letting the emotions fade. I doubt that they will ever disappear completely in this case, but it’s certainly a start. I’m now beginning to restore faith in my hopes for a happy life. I’ve been meeting and spending time with people who have revealed the inherent goodness of humanity. Gosh, that sounds melodramatic as well, doesn’t it? But it is also true. I know that my sufferings will be short-lived and relatively insignificant in the grand scheme of things. I know that a the conclusion of a romantic connection with that person was for the best. And I know that there is someone unquestionably right, somewhere out there. Hope will never die.

Experiencing and realising all of this has, I think, actually been good for me. As I said at the beginning of this entry, things have changed a lot. How I see the world, how I see others and how I see myself. I don’t think it’s too soon to say that a temporarily broken heart has helped me to mature, especially in all things relating to emotions and the way I interact with others. In all likelihood I’ll remain quite emotionally stunted for a while, but next time somebody willing to share themselves with me, and I with them, comes along, I won’t make the same mistakes. Of that I am certain.